To the Bone (English Version)

Dear Marti Noxon,

My appearance has always been something I was self-cautious about. Especially when those who I thought were my friends would comment on my weight, turning the dark hole that had already been forming into a supermassive black hole consuming me from the inside out. I was never the most gorgeous person on the outside and social media didn’t help my self-conscious and reduced my confidence by large amounts. I was never anorexic, yet my appearance raised anorexic jokes and offensive comments. I was always being told to eat more, and as I walk down the school halls, people would yell “pixie stick, twig, paper.” I won’t lie and say suicidal thoughts never ran through my head, or the thoughts of a world without me in it and the possibility of me not existing wasn’t something that I wish happened, because I did think those thoughts and I did want to leave the gift of life God had given me. But, I began thinking about all those who I love and who’d grieve. I would’ve hurt my mom had I drowned myself in the tub. I would’ve hurt my brother who depended on me to help him go through his bullies and help him with his homework, and I would’ve hurt myself. I would’ve taken all the good things and the amazing memories I’ve ever had from myself. Lily Collins played a character that was so powerful and heartfelt. She did force herself to look the way she did in order to prove how committed she was to the movie. Ellen’s story has inspired me; she had gone through such a horrible war against anorexia and having all the judgement from even her family members. I related so much on the family being blinded by their opinions that they didn’t see how much worse Ellen was getting because of it. My own mother would try to force me to drink pediasure in order for me to get to the average weight of my age. Due to the fact she did this, I would tell her how much I hated her and how much she wished I was a different child so she could be blessed with someone else; someone more perfect. To this day, I apologize to my mom about all the things I’ve said to her; like when we moved to another state, leaving all my friends and my comfort zone behind. I remember the day we moved and having to start a new school and make new friends like it was yesterday.

I moved in 2009 and started school three weeks after the day we moved. I walked in the building confident, thinking nothing bad could come out of this situation, but I was terribly wrong. My 2nd-grade teacher had short hair, was very young, and she was so nice and warm-hearted. After two days of being in the classroom, I began getting bullied by females from another second-grade class. They would comment on my curly hair and my parted teeth (which I had at the time), and then they began making fun of my weight.  They would tell other kids to make fun of me which created a whole world war against one person… me. I would come home and tell my mom I hated her for making us move, which I still say sorry to this day. Furthermore, since I was being made fun of, I began to eat more than my body could handle which only resulted in all the food to be vomited up. This caused a lot of health issues for me because I was already so underweight. On June 2012 or 13, I had to get tonsil surgery. The first surgery went wrong due to the fact that the first surgeon cut a vein. This resulted in my vomiting blood leading to more weight problems and other serious health issues such as blood loss and dehydration. Most of the weight loss is due to the fact that I didn’t want to eat because it would hurt just to swallow. I finally had a second surgery done where they fixed the problem. I have struggled for approximately nine to eleven years to get to a stable weight. I’m now at the weight I should be for my age and I couldn’t be more happy with how far I’ve come. This movie really helped me want to better my health and it helped me connect with similar things I was suffering through.

Image result for To the Bone

Sincerely,

Katiushka Marie Ruiz

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